I was recently invited to speak at a local women’s organization meeting in my hometown. Apparently, I was pretty much their last option, right behind the auto-warranty telemarketer and the tax auditor.
Since I couldn’t imagine what I would discuss that might interest a women’s group, I went for the obvious–my lifelong, chronic case of the girl crazies.
In my younger years, it had always been my dream – even my goal – to be surrounded by women, and now I live in a house with four of them, I work in a department with twenty of them, and there I stood in front of a room full of them–all looking at me. I call that a win!
I’ve always thought that one of God’s greatest creations was women (and Mexican food). In fact, in the book of Genesis, when God looked on his creation and recognized how good it was, I’m pretty sure he was mainly thinking about women. Even better, he made the first woman out of a rib – and ribs are absolutely delicious!
Even as a young dorkling in kindergarten, I managed to land a five-year-old girlfriend who sported the cutest purple polyester pantsuit I had ever seen. I don’t know if it was her sparkling personality, her bright smile or her keen wit that attracted me – but I’m pretty sure it was the pantsuit. (Don’t judge! It was the 1970s!)
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I never had the heart to tell my girlfriend that I was also secretly in love with my kindergarten teacher. She didn’t wear enough purple for my taste, but her hand lotion smelled like Twinkies.
In elementary school, I had a fairly steady girlfriend upon whom I could usually rely to accompany me to the latest Disney movie. Apparently, she wasn’t bothered by my geek-chic ensemble consisting of Toughskins Jeans, Bionic Man prescription glasses, and Chewbacca necklace with swiveling arms. (How could she resist?) One time on Valentines Day, she even presented me with a value-size bottle of Jovan Musk cologne, which I’m pretty sure I emptied with one application.
By junior high, the nerd gene had really started to kick in, so finding a girlfriend at that age was a bit more challenging, especially since I only used deodorant sporadically and spent most of my time making rude noises with my armpits. In those days, I had to settle for staring wistfully at the heavily Aqua-Netted hair of the girl sitting in front of me in math class, fantasizing about holding her hand while strolling through the local shopping mall to the rhythmic “swish-swish” of my nylon parachute pants.
In high school, I finally learned to use deodorant properly, started working out, lost my love handles (briefly), and got a used Oldsmobile Cutlass Calais (aka “The Love Machine”). Suddenly, I noticed that girls were smiling at me – and not because my fly was open. It was the greatest thing ever, at least I thought it was at the time.
A few months after high school graduation, I met my gorgeous wife in Sunday school. That day, it was definitely good to be in the house of the Lord! She was so far out of my league that I knew I had to act fast before she figured me out, so two years later, I convinced her to settle for me permanently.
I sometimes think that when God created Eve, she must have opened her eyes, taken her first look at Adam standing there naked, looked up to God and said, “You’re kidding, right?”
Because let’s face it. Women are superior to men in so many ways. Their brains develop faster than men, they live longer than men, they have far less back hair than men, as children, they’re less likely to eat dirt than men and regardless of how much Jovan Musk cologne men wear, women invariably smell better than men.
So, thank you, God, for creating women – especially that one who settled for a guy like me 31 years ago. I call that a win!
Jase Graves is an award-winning humor columnist from East Texas. Contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org.