Wondering if things will change for the better in the New Year? Here’s a handy clip ‘n’ save Precap of news certain to occur during 2019.
JAN. 1—In a New Year’s tweet to the nation, President Trump says he has surveillance showing that Hillary Clinton is continuing to use a private email server. He vows to appoint a special prosecutor to “bring her to justice.”
JAN. 3—On “Fox & Friends,” Donald Trump Jr. discloses that he has broken up with girlfriend Kimberly Guilfoyle and is now dating Judge Jeanine Pirro.
JAN. 27—A Pew poll reveals that 93 percent of politicians are unaware the government has been “shut down” since December.
FEB. 3—At Super Bowl LIII, the NFL suspends 14 players for “socializing” with cheerleaders in the concussion protocol tent.
FEB. 9—Colin Jost delights “SNL” viewers with news that he is engaged to Kimberly Guilfoyle.
FEB. 24—At the 91st Oscars, Steve Carell receives the Irving G. Thalberg Award for “Most films released just before the end-of-year cutoff.”
FEB. 26—A presidential tweet warns that if the government shutdown continues, 18,000 troops might have to be withdrawn from the Mexican border.
MAR. 16—In a tearful announcement, Colin Jost tells “SNL” viewers that he is having the Kimberly Guilfoyle tattoo removed from his buttocks.
APR. 1—President and Mrs. Trump host the third annual Trump Family April Fools Celebration.
APR. 21—In a phone call from the Oval Office, President Trump assures a 7-year-old girl in Alabama that there is no such thing as the Easter Bunny.
APR. 27—At the comedian-free White House Correspondents’ Association dinner, author Ron Chernow entertains with a gripping retrospective on “Presidential Tweets Over the Last One-Fifth of a Decade.”
MAY 11—In an interview with Matt Drudge, President Trump expresses frustration that the Mueller investigation has continued unabated despite the government shutdown, asking, “Is George Soros secretly funding this guy?”
MAY 26—The New York Times raises the price of its Sunday edition to $29.95 (higher in outlying areas).
JUNE 12—At a “Show of Unity Conference,” Bernie Sanders, Elizabeth Warren, Joe Biden, Gavin Newsom, Kamala Harris and 14 other Democrats announce they are each entering the 2020 presidential race.
JUNE 13—The White House unveils a national MAGA hologram tour, featuring a virtual President Trump and music by Elvis.
JULY 4—At a Fourth of July celebration in Bedminster, N.J., Donald Trump Jr. surprises family with news that he is engaged to Fox host Laura Ingraham.
JULY 22—CNN formally changes its name to BNN: Breaking News Network. According to a spokeswoman, “We believe everything we report is breaking, no matter when it happened or how trivial it might be.”
AUG. 2—Walmart begins its Black Friday Christmas sale.
AUG. 28—Kirsten Gillibrand, Cory Booker, Amy Klobuchar, Chuck Schumer and LeBron James declare they are seeking the Democratic presidential nomination.
SEPT. 10—President and Mrs. Trump host a White House dinner to celebrate National Hashtag Day.
OCT. 7—Netflix announces that all of its series will now be released in convenient three-minute episodes to facilitate bingeing.
OCT. 24—Two dozen more hopefuls, including James Comey and the comedian Carrot Top, say they are seeking the Democratic presidential nomination.
NOV. 28—Declaring “No one is above the law,” President Trump refuses to pardon the White House turkey.
NOV. 29—President and Mrs. Trump fly to Mar-a-Lago to celebrate Black Friday.
DEC. 2—The Washington Post quotes sources as saying the Mueller investigation is entering its “final phase” and “should be completed by early 2021.”
DEC. 10—Amazon introduces a team of leading astronomers who will select a planet for its first extraterrestrial headquarters.
DEC. 31—In a New Year’s Eve tweet to the nation, President Trump vows: “The fake government shutdown will not be allowed to disrupt our beautiful 2020 campaign!”